I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
