my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
