i jhust puked up my retainher.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
