Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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