i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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