between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
