Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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