6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
