people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
