I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Small penises have feelings too.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
