the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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