i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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