is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
