Im at strip club and am horny
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize