You're my little dorito
You're completely useless in the revolution.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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