Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize