Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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