Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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