Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
