You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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