Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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