Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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