I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
