end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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