I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
