Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
