My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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