I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
