i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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