I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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