Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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