bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
The beer is more important than you right now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
