maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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