So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
