Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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