I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Someone signed my nipple.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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