And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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