"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
