I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
