mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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