I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
