Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
