so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
