is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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