If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
