Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
