i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
