At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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