no, he came in my armpit
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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