made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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