I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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