dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
