apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize