Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
