david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
