You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
