I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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