i wish starbucks made bloody marys
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
