the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
