apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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