i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
