I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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