My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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