i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i believe in u and ur pee
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
