I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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