I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
